Honor Marriage: The seventh command of the Ten Commandments is, “You shall not commit adultery.” Why does God care so much about faithfulness in marriage? What exactly is marriage, anyway? God’s vision for marriage (and sexuality) as a whole-life covenant union is counter-cultural and far from easy. But at the same time, it is beautiful, wise, helpful, and good. It provides relational stability for the husband, wife, and children, security for the ups and downs of life, and can be a wonderful source of love, joy, and peace. Recorded on Mar 12, 2023, on Exodus 20:14 by Pastor David Parks.
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Ten Commandments: Learning the Law of Love is a sermon series on the most influential legal code in human history. Why should we learn about the Ten Commandments today? Because they reveal God’s will for how human beings ought to live: to love God with all our heart and love our neighbor as ourselves. Ultimately, the law of love points us directly to Jesus.
Sermon Transcript
All year, we’re focusing on Learning the way of Jesus. And today, we’re continuing a sermon series on the Ten Commandments. And we’ve said that the Ten Commandments, as part of God’s moral law, reveal how God wants people to live. And ultimately, this way of life can be summed up as learning to love the Lord your God, heart, soul, mind, and strength; and to love your neighbor as yourself. This is a law of love. So today, we’re considering the seventh command, a command to honor marriage. But why does God care so much about marriage? Isn’t marriage just a piece of paper? What even is marriage, and why does God care so much about faithfulness in marriage? Once again, there’s a lot to unpack here. If you have a Bible/app, please open to Exodus 20:12. We’ll read through the second half of the Ten Commandments and then unpack the seventh together today.
Exodus 20:12-17 (NIV), “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. You shall not murder. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” The book of Exodus was written about 4,300 years ago by Moses, the great prophet and leader of ancient Israel. And Exodus describes a key turning point in history when God rescued the people of Israel from slavery in Egypt and entered into a covenant relationship with them, which included giving them the Law. The first four commands are focused on how we are to love the Lord our God, while the remaining six are about how to love our neighbor as ourselves. And we’ve seen that our neighbor includes our closest neighbors, including those in our own home/family. We were instructed to honor your father and your mother and to honor the life of every other person. Well, today, we’re focusing on the seventh command, which reads simply, “You shall commit adultery.” Whether you are married or not, committing adultery means having a sexual relationship with anyone other than your spouse. This, of course, limits sexuality to the narrow context of only being appropriate within the covenant of marriage. This sexual ethic is something that people in many cultures and times/places have found to be difficult to follow. It was no less countercultural for ancient Israelites than it was for Christians in the Roman Empire during the time of Jesus than it is for us today. However, it only makes sense once you understand God’s intention for what marriage was supposed to be. So, for our remaining time, we will consider four things: (1) what marriage is, (2) what marriage is for, (3) what’s confusing about marriage in the Bible, and finally, (4) how we can obey this command to honor marriage.
So first, what is marriage? This is related to what I shared last week about the negative prohibition of the law also having a positive intent of God. The negative prohibition (you shall not commit adultery) is rooted in a positive intent of God for…what? For marriage! Often, when we understand the positive side of the law, God’s wisdom and love, and goodness come into startling focus. Ok, so what is marriage? Is marriage really just a piece of paper, like we sometimes hear? This is the first common belief about what marriage is in our culture today. And I think what this view means is that marriage is really just a legal box to check to legitimize an already legitimate relationship. People who think that this is what marriage is wouldn’t see much, if any difference, between being married to living/sleeping together with a partner in a long-term, committed relationship. The marriage certificate (the piece of paper) doesn’t really establish/change the relationship. The other common belief about what marriage is, according to our culture, has more to do with celebrating feelings of love, attraction, and personal happiness. You get married because you fell in love, you found your soulmate, and the wedding is simply a celebration of that love. This view means that marriage is warranted only so long as those feelings of love/attraction/happiness remain. You fell in love, but you can fall out of love. Or you might fall in love with someone else. It all depends on how you feel. But what does the Bible say about this? Does God care what marriage is? In Genesis chapter 2, the Creator takes the man and puts him in the garden to work it and care for it when he declares that he needs a helper suitable for carrying out the vocation of being human. From the man’s side (which is rich with meaning), God creates the woman and gives her to the man in the first marriage ceremony. Moses writes about this first wedding in Genesis 2:24–25 (NIV), “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Therefore, marriage is a gift of God, not a social construct or human invention. And according to God, marriage is the whole-life union of one man and one woman for life. You have two individual people from two different families, as important as those relationships are, who become one new family. But to become “one flesh,” to enjoy this whole-life union, means that the two are now joined in every way: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, familially, socially, legally, and so on. The union of marriage is covenantal, meaning the husband and wife vow to remain faithful no matter what: for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, and so on. This type of relationship results in radical openness, honesty, and intimacy. This is why Moses wrote that Adam and his wife were both naked and yet they felt no shame. This is a really beautiful description. Before the fall to sin, there was nothing between them, nothing to hide; they were fully known and fully loved. So to the belief that marriage is just a piece of paper, the Bible would say, yes, it is a legal union with paperwork filed at the county courthouse, but it’s so much more than that; it’s a whole-life union. And to the belief that marriage is an expression of feelings of love/attraction/happiness, the Bible would say, yes, it is a physical/emotional union, but it is so much more than that; it’s an unconditional covenantal relationship. And this is why sexual faithfulness is so important in marriage. This is why the seventh commandment is against adultery. Feelings of attraction and desire are powerful yet rise and fall over time. But if this is what marriage is, then committing adultery is breaking your covenant; it’s becoming one flesh physically with someone without the rest of the relationship. And this is wrong.
So first, what is marriage? Marriage is the whole-life union between one man and one woman for life. Second, what is marriage for? Well, God certainly uses marriage for our sanctification or to help us grow in godly character and holiness. Because there’s nothing that will test your patience in life more than a spouse after the honeymoon is over. Amen? I say this with great love in my heart. Do you know how they polish gemstones? They put them in a tumbler with abrasive materials, and they bounce into each other and rub against each other until they are beautiful, shiny, and smooth. That’s a lot like a healthy marriage. Over time (and with a lot of grace), it can help smooth out the rough edges. But also, marriage ought to include all the best elements of a close friendship, including companionship, communication, shared experiences, and having fun together. But of the many blessings of marriage, marriage was always intended to be the context for raising kids. And this relates to the seventh command in terms of human sexuality. The creation mandate in Genesis 1 is a blessing from God for humanity when God said, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” (Ge 1:28). So procreation, or having children, is one of the God-given purposes of humanity in this age, to multiply and fill the earth. And how should we do this? Well, if marriage is the only appropriate context for sexuality, then marriage is the intended context for having and raising kids. So why does God care about faithfulness in marriage? Because one of the purposes of marriage is to provide the context for having and raising kids. Now, in a broken world, not every couple is physically able to have kids. But procreation was certainly part of God’s positive intention for marriage from the beginning. So what is marriage for? It’s for our sanctification, friendship, and many other things, but at least part of the purpose of marriage is to enjoy the blessing of God to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth.
Third, what’s confusing about marriage in the Bible? Some people hear the term Biblical marriage and rightly ask, “What exactly do you mean by Biblical marriage? Like Abraham and Sarah’s marriage where Sarah convinces Abraham to have a kid with her servant, Hagar. Or like Jacob and Leah and Rachel’s marriage? Where Jacob marries two sisters? Or what about king David or Solomon who married many, even hundreds of women?” There are many examples of marriages that are anything other than how we have defined marriage so far. And it’s a good question. What is going on here? Does God approve of this behavior? Well, here’s an unusual realization: Not every marriage in the Bible is biblical. There are all sorts of unhealthy, dysfunctional, or even destructive marriage and family relationships described in the Bible. Relationships that directly violate the character and commands of God. But there’s a big difference between what is described in the Bible and what is prescribed or commanded in the Bible. The commands of God were that even the king was not to take many wives or his heart will be led astray, and also that the people of Israel were not to marry surrounding peoples or they would turn after their gods, but King Solomon is described as having broken both of these commands. But if you follow his story, you see how the dysfunction and brokenness of Solomon’s family played out. It doesn’t go well for them; in fact, it tragically caused the fracturing of the kingdom of Israel into two kingdoms, which were weakened and vulnerable and eventually were conquered in the time of the exile. Solomon’s practice of marriage is described in the Bible but not prescribed. In fact, I believe it’s presented more of a case study of how messed up marriage and family relationships can get in a broken world. While this can be confusing, we must recognize the difference between what is described vs. what is actually taught.
Fourth, and finally, how can we obey this command to honor marriage? How might we apply this teaching to our lives today? I’ll leave you with two thoughts. First, we must resist seeing our marriages through the lens of our culture and see them as the whole-life, covenantal union they were meant to be. If marriage is based only on our emotional happiness or fulfillment, then it is inherently unstable. A spouse in that kind of relationship is fundamentally insecure because their marriage is conditional. If this is your conception of marriage, it’s no wonder why divorce is seen as a necessary option. You need a prenuptial agreement because if anything changes and someone isn’t feeling happy or in love or fulfilled, then you’ll have to get divorced. But, on the other hand, if your marriage is a covenantal relationship, a one-flesh type of life-long union, for better and for worse, then there’s an incredible amount of stability and security in that relationship. There will still be conflicts that need to be worked through, and there will still be many hard times in life in this broken world, but if no one’s finger is on the eject button, reconciliation, healing, and relationship growth are all much more likely. This stability makes dealing with major life changes easier, changes like having kids, buying a house, moving to a new city, starting a new job, dealing with a major illness or injury, taking care of aging parents, or handling a major loss all much easier (not easy, those things are never easy, but easier). As a society, we should want married people to have this type of stability and security, not a marriage that’s disposable. Marriage is a mountain range that endures, not a cell phone to be thrown away every few years for the latest model. So we must see our marriages through this lens and live out the vows that we make, not simply to avoid adultery, but to positively join ourselves in every way to our spouse and do whatever it takes to maintain and grow in that union. Like a garden, we must pluck out any weed that chokes the life, love, joy, and peace out of our marriages.
Second, and finally, even though marriage is very important, and most people are married at some point in their lives, not everyone is called to be married. Back in November, I gave a sermon called Redeeming Singleness to make this point. Both Jesus and the Apostle Paul were not married and obviously led good, God-honoring, and fulfilling lives. Both were surrounded by meaningful friendships and other relationships with men and women. And both used their singleness very productively for the Kingdom of God. Furthermore, it’s helpful to remember that Jesus taught that marriage is only part of this current age. We will not be married or get married in the age to come. Now, I know that this is hard for some of us to see as a good thing. One reason, I suspect, is that some of us might be too dependent on sexual fulfillment to be our main source of love, joy, and peace in this life. But in the age to come, every relationship with every other person in the new heaven and earth will be even better, even more joy-producing, even more intimate/satisfying/fulfilling than even the best marriage today. For we will be a whole society of people who are perfectly, joyfully united. Just as God is a perfect, loving unity of three equally divine persons, so we will be a world of perfect love without end. Isn’t this a stunning vision for our future?? It’s hard to even imagine a society where every single person perfectly knows and loves their neighbor in thought, word, and deed. But for now, how might single people obey the seventh command? One of the more difficult aspects of the way of Jesus has to do with his sexual ethic: That human sexuality is meant to be expressed and enjoyed only in the context of marriage between one man and one woman for life. Any sexuality outside this covenant is prohibited. Therefore, if you’re single, your commitment to remain celibate, though counter-cultural and perhaps very costly, is what it looks like to obey this command. However, as the Apostle Paul wrote in 1Co 7, if this is too much for you, that’s ok, but you should get married and not be ruled or mastered by your passions/desires. This is true, of course, for married people. Not necessarily to be celibate, but to remain faithful to and exclusive with your spouse, and not be ruled or mastered by your passions/desires for others either. In all these things, we must remember that God’s highest goal for his people is holiness; it’s Christlikeness, it’s not marriage. I know of Christians who experience same-sex attraction. The goal for them isn’t heterosexual marriage; it’s to become like Jesus, whether they get married or decide to remain single. You shall not commit adultery. So may we be a people who honor marriage in our hearts and minds, and lives. May we be people who are faithful in marriage in thought, word, and deed. May we be people who help others remain faithful. And in our faithfulness, may we be people who reflect the glory and goodness of a God who was and is, and ever will be faithful to us in Christ. Even when we were unfaithful to God, he came after us in the person and work of Jesus. He was faithful to us through the cross; he was faithful to us through the grave. But Jesus rose again and is alive today and is calling us to follow his way by the power of his Spirit for his glory and our good. Let us look to him for our help and our hope. Let us pray.