A New Kind of Marriage (Ephesians): Do you want a better marriage? Or do you want to be better prepared for marriage in the future? God’s word provides power and wisdom for two to become one. Is this easy? No! But it can be beautiful as two people grow together in unity, love, and maturity over time. Plus, marriage can be a picture of the gospel for a world that needs to see the faithful love of Jesus. Recorded on Jul 7, 2024, on Ephesians 5:21-33 by Pastor David Parks.
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Our series, Ephesians: The Gospel in Life, serves as an epilogue to Finding Life in Jesus’ Name from John’s gospel. The Apostle Paul’s letter to the Ephesians reveals much about how the life found by faith in Jesus actually works. This series will touch on themes of grace, identity, purpose, family, the church, spiritual warfare, and more. If you’re considering the life of Jesus or if you’re ready to follow him today, this series is for you.
Sermon Transcript
Including today, we only have four more weeks in Ephesians before moving on to a new sermon series on the OT book of Ruth. But today, as we approach the end of The Gospel in Life series, we’re considering how our union with Christ transforms even the most basic household relationships — from the relationship between a husband and wife to the relationship between parents and children to the relationship between a household servant/slave and their master, which was a common work relationship in the first century AD. Now, we’ve already seen in Ephesians that when you become a Christian, you go from death to life — from without hope and without God in the world to becoming a dearly loved child of God. So, the gospel changes our identity in Christ. We’ve already heard the call to follow God’s example, putting off the old self and putting on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. So, the gospel changes the direction of our lives. So it shouldn’t come as any surprise that the way of Jesus might change our relationships, too. A few weeks ago, I stumbled across one of my old high school yearbooks. I read a few comments my friends wrote all those years ago, and one caught my eye. It said something like, “I’m so excited for you and Holly! Even though some people think you’re crazy, if anyone could figure out marriage, it would be you two!” Thanks? It was kind of a compliment, I guess. But, you see, Holly and I knew each other from the age of ten on. And once we started dating in high school, we knew we were supposed to be together. So, we got engaged just before the end of high school and got married the next year. But that comment in my yearbook probably represented what a lot of people thought at the time: that we were crazy! That we didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into! That it would never work! Now, from my vantage point today, I know that marriage is always risky — whether you’re 19 years old or 30 or 50 or 75. Just because loving people is the highest calling and the greatest commandment for human beings doesn’t mean it’s easy! In fact, really loving another person with all their sins and struggles, with all their blindspots and weaknesses — along with all of yours! — is one of the hardest things you could do in life. So how did we survive? How did we navigate the ups and downs of marriage in a broken world together? It wasn’t easy. And we’re still learning how to love each other better. But over the years, we’ve seen the wisdom/power of God’s way again and again in our marriage. So, do you want a better marriage? Or do you want to be better prepared for being married one day? Then grab your Bible/app and open it to Eph 5:21. We’ll read through this text and unpack it as we go.
Ephesians 5:21 (NIV), “21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Well, we didn’t get very far, did we? I had to stop here because this verse is special for two reasons. First, grammatically, this verse is really the end of the list of actions associated with being filled with the Spirit from v. 18 (speaking to one another, singing and making music to the Lord, giving thanks to God the Father, and (v. 18), submitting to one another). But in the NIV translation, v. 18 is grouped with our text on marriage. Now, I think the NIV got it right because the Apostle Paul goes on to list these three household relationships as a three-part case study of what it looks like to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” You might say v.18 serves as a transitional verse for what the Spirit-filled life looks like at home. Second, this verse is special because, in Paul’s day, household codes were common in Greek/Roman culture. Plato, Aristotle, and others wrote about how these relationships were supposed to work. But here, the Apostle Paul gives a uniquely Christian vision for the household. He applies the gospel to the most common household relationships, bringing transformation and renewal to them as it does to every part of life. The first difference in Paul’s Christian vision for marriage and family is that we are to submit to one another. It’s not the strong ruling the weak. That’s the way of the world. This reminds me of Paul’s instruction to the Galatians: “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” (Gal 5:13). Ok! But what does this mutual submission look like in marriage?
Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV), “22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Now, notice what Paul is not saying. He’s not saying that all women must submit to all men. That would be unwise at best! We know not every man has the best interest of every woman in mind. And he’s not saying that wives must submit themselves to their own husbands because they’re more susceptible to temptation or they’re inherently inferior to men. That was Aristotle’s argument and was the common view of their culture, just as it is in many places today. But look at what Paul actually says (I’m going to point out two things): First, wives are to submit themselves to their own husbands. In other words, this ought to be voluntary, not forced. Paul assumes wives have the agency/ability to choose to do this. This would have been totally counter-cultural, as women had limited rights in the Roman Empire. However, this fits with the Biblical view that women are equal to men in their value and dignity as image-bearers of God. Jesus taught women as his disciples and was supported financially in his ministry by a number of women. Men and women are coheirs with Christ and are equally saved, filled with the Spirit, sanctified, and sent out on the mission of God. This teaching elevated women in many ways, even if the language of submission sounds foreign to us today. Second, Paul says the reason wives are to do this is because the marriage relationship is to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church. “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Now, we must not press this analogy too far. The wife is to be like the church, and the husband is to be like Christ. However, the husband does not replace Christ. Christ is still the savior and the head of both the husband and the wife. But, the idea that the relationship between a husband and wife is supposed to be a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church is totally new to Paul. No one else ever envisioned marriage in this way. Let’s continue on to the husbands and come back to what this looks like for wives.
Ephesians 5:25-27 (NIV), “25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Now, earlier in Chapter 5, men and women were already called to “…walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” (Eph 5:2). So Christian husbands and wives are to follow the pattern of Jesus and love one another just as Christ loved us first. But here, husbands are specifically called to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Well, how did Christ love the church? He humbly came from the riches and glory of heaven down into this broken world. He became a human being with all our limitations, temptations, and struggles. Then he willingly suffered and died on the cross to save us from sin/death/judgment, giving his life for us so that we might receive life and love forever and ever. So, how should husbands love their wives? Like Jesus! By being willing to give up everything for them, even your very life. Why? Not to get the glory, honor, or praise, and not to make her owe you something, but simply to serve her needs — to help her flourish. Christ did this for us in order “…to make her [the church] holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Jesus saw what we were but had a much bigger vision for what we could be. So, Jesus didn’t stop working in our lives when he rose from the dead and ascended into heaven. He continues to work through the power of his word and Spirit to wash/sanctify us and to transform us into the men and women that God intended us to be from before the creation of the world. So, husbands, do you have a vision for what your wife could be? Are you, like Jesus, working to help her grow in the beauty of her inner character, in her holiness and godliness? Are you, like Jesus, looking to serve her needs because of your faithful love for her? One of the reasons why the teaching on wives submitting to their own husbands is so hard for modern Western people to accept is because they don’t understand that power and authority work differently in the kingdom where Jesus is King. Wives aren’t called to submit to husbands who are selfishly looking only to meet their own needs. This would, of course, set up the marriage relationship to be oppressive and abusive. Instead, think about how Jesus used his power and authority. He didn’t act in this way because he wasn’t deserving of glory or he wasn’t as capable/valuable as others. He did this to faithfully love us and serve our greatest needs, even when we were unfaithful to him. In Mark 10, Jesus taught his disciples, saying, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mk 10:42-45). This is what power/authority looks like in the kingdom where Jesus is King. We must never apply worldly ways of power and authority to the way of Jesus. And we must never think worldly ways of power/authority are appropriate for how we treat our spouse in marriage. But this mutual love and submission is only natural when we understand our union with Christ. By faith in Jesus, we are united with Christ and with every other person in Christ. We already saw how this impacted the division between Jews and Gentiles back in Chapter 2. Here, we see how this impacts and transforms the marriage relationship as well. But it was always God’s vision for marriage — that two would become one in every way.
Ephesians 5:28-31 (NIV), “28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Now, Paul isn’t denying the reality that some people have a distorted or even destructive attitude about their own bodies or body image. He’s just saying that husbands and wives are to be one flesh. So, for husbands to love their wives ought to be as natural as wanting to feed and care for their own body. This is rooted in the creation account of marriage from Genesis Chapter 2. Paul quotes Moses in saying “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” When Jesus taught on marriage, he referred to Genesis 2 as well. From Ge 2, we discover that marriage was a gift from God, not a social construct. Therefore, as its creator, God can define it and govern it by his word. This means we’re not free to redefine marriage any way we want, though our culture or our laws might say otherwise. And from the beginning, God’s vision for marriage was that a man would leave his father and mother, as important as that family relationship is, and be united to his wife. This was to be a covenant relationship between one man and one woman for life. The covenantal aspect meant that they were to commit to faithful and exclusive love no matter what might happen in the future — for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health. But within the safety of this unconditional commitment, then the husband and wife were to experience a whole-life oneness. This is what one flesh means: to be one physically in sexuality but also emotionally, financially, legally, and in every other way. This was God’s design for marriage. But this is so different than what most people think of when they think about marriage today. Most people, especially in our consumeristic culture, think of marriage as a relationship that is only valid so long as it continues to meet your needs or expectations. But if it ever stops meeting your needs, maybe your relationship is really hard, or maybe someone gets sick, then you’re free to get divorced and maybe find someone else who you like more. Now, in the Scriptures, there are several sad situations that break the marriage covenant, including adultery and abandonment. But aside from these conditions, the marriage relationship was to be until death do we part. This might seem risky because of how high the expectations are for commitment, but in a broken world, this is actually the safest kind of relationship. You are committing your life to be with someone who has also committed, upfront, to love you no matter what. This is the best environment for sexual oneness, for having kids, for navigating the ups and downs of life, and more. But again, this kind of exclusive and faithful relationship of love is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:32–33 (NIV), “32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” This is God’s word. So, how did our marriage survive our decision to get married so young? How have we been able to navigate life and kids and career changes and moves together? How were we able to recover when we sinned against each other? By the grace of God, and the example of Christ, and the power and wisdom of God’s word and Spirit, and a commitment to follow Jesus in our marriage. Have we done this perfectly? Absolutely not. But over the years, we’ve had the joy and the honor of having a front-row seat to watch what God has done in redeeming and transforming each other to greater and greater degrees into the likeness of Christ. Do you want a better marriage? Or do you want to be better prepared for being married one day? Look to Jesus. Listen to Jesus. And submit to one another, loving and serving one another out of reverence for Christ. But if you do, if you commit yourself to this path, not only will you have a better marriage, but your marriage will also be a picture of the gospel out into a world that desperately needs to see and experience the faithful love of Jesus. Let us pray.